Dear Anita,

My boyfriend and I finally secured the Holy Grail: a team position for a junior couple. Now, I know beggars can’t be choosers, and we love finally being able to work together, but it turns out all is not as it seemed and we’re not sure what to do about it. Everything started off OK, but after a week or two on board, the captain fired the first mate and hired his nephew. His nephew doesn’t have any tickets bar an STCW and a bus pass, and even better, he brought along his Italian girlfriend to work with me on the interior. She has turned out to be a lazy, fiery tempered witch from hell. So, that’s lovely. The chief attempted to pull her up for not doing anything and got screamed at for picking on her. Then, there’s the mate himself. He’s bloody useless and doesn’t know a chamois from a chainsaw. He likes to spend his days making my boyfriend’s life a misery by barking orders at him to polish stainless over and over because he doesn’t know what else to do. My fella suggested we run a couple of safety drills and was told in no uncertain terms to go away. When it comes to meal times, the captain, the mate and his girlfriend eat together, and we have to serve them…even on charter. I have a million examples of how useless they all are, but I’m aware your page is short. What do you think, should we stay or go?

Troubled Stewy

 

Dear Troubled Stewy,

Your story has touched my heart. What a tragic tale. OK, I’m lying, in actual fact I’m having a good laugh reading your sad email over a glass of chardonnay and a packet of Fig Newtons. Well, you’re in quite the sticky situation aren’t you? Your captain is obviously retarded to hire two vastly inexperienced crewmembers who don’t even care to learn. You mention chartering, so I’m guessing the boat is managed. Hopefully, or this captain will run it into the ground. Anyway, have a chat with the management and just say you’re concerned about safety. That’s going to be the clincher. Whining that the Italiana isn’t pulling her weight won’t wash with those guys, but mention “breach of health and safety” or “concerns over ISM,” and they’ll come running as fast as their chubby little office legs will carry them. If the vessel is commercial (i.e. chartering legally) and over 500 gross tonnage, they’re duty-bound to be safe. And check out the safe manning requirements for your flag state. That could be a winner, too. That’s the sensible option, but in any case, I say have some fun with it. You’re stuck with them being useless until the season’s end, so you may as well incapacitate them fully to get them out of your hair. Try laxatives in the food. Always highly amusing.

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